You may have noticed by now thanks to the myriad of children running around in costumes or the fact that your coworker came into the office dressed as Psy or a binder full of women, but today is Halloween! It’s the time of year when adorable little children dress as scary monsters, grown men dress in drag and women have an excuse to go out in public dressed in as little clothing as possible. It’s also time to watch some scary movies.
Or remakes of scary movies. It seems that every horror classic is being relaunched or remade these days. We here at Flixist aren’t for or against this, but we started to wonder why horror movies were the only movies being remade as horror movies. Wouldn’t it be better if all remakes were horror movies?
Yes. The answer is yes. And so we’ve picked the 10 best movies that need to be remade (or relaunched) as horror films.
Problem Child
Pitch: Ben Healy always wanted to be a dad. His wife Flo, as sweet as could be, was barren. Desperate, the two turn to Igor Peabody (played once again by Gilbert Gottfried), a shady man who knows people who know people. A month later, the couple finds themselves the proud parents of a red-headed seven-year-old named Junior. He seems just sweet as can be, and it seems like Ben finally has everything he’s always wanted.
Until neighborhood pets start disappearing. And Lucy, a neighborhood girl who didn’t invite Junior to her party, suffered a serious fall. And Flo has fallen ill.
Before long, suspicion falls on Junior, and Ben finds himself torn between the damning evidence that keeps piling up and the son he always wanted.
Tagline: Somethings wrong with Junior.
Nearness original is to horror remake: Pretty damn close when you think about it. Turn Junior’s antics up a notch or two and shit starts getting pretty damn scary. Creepy, homicidal children are done all the time in horror movies. This could work.
Backup plan: Ben Healy slowly descends into insanity as his son terrorizes him. Think The Shining.
Angels in the Outfield
Pitch: You know how some individuals do despicable things like murder and try and say that ghosts told them to do it? Imagine a kid saying he won a baseball game because of angels. Imagine that kid growing up believing he could accomplish anything (like win a football game) with the help of those angels. What if the child becomes a failure of an adult because he believes those angels have abandoned him? What if he decides to take it out on other people? Imagine a cross between that weird ghost baseball field in Field of Dreams and Saw. Angels in the Outfield is now a story about a failed individual who’s trying to bait out his “angels” by sacrificing souls on the pitcher’s mound. It’s sequel, Angels in the Endzone is probably about some kid who does steroids because movies.
Tagline: When horror plays balls.
Nearness original is to horror remake: Angels aren’t exactly the subject of terror, but psychopaths sacrificing people to them are. Less of a remake and more of a distant sequel this one could still have the same characters just in the future.
Backup plan: The angles are the weeping angels from Dr. Who. That’s scary.
Air Bud
Pitch: Think less man’s best friend and more Cujo (or maybe the 1993 movie Man’s Best Friend). Air Bud would be some kind of genetically engineered canine killing machine, perfect for modern warfare. The dog escapes the research facility and is attacked by a werewolf, a vampire, and a man with rabies (in that order). After all of that, Air Bud winds up at game seven of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals with a thirst for blood. It’s an entire arena full of basketball fans vs. the deadliest thing on four legs. The sequel would be called Air Bud II: Air Bud the CHUD, which would be about minor league hockey. (Because why not?) Part three — Air Bud 3D: Death in Show — would start with Air Bud attacking every dog at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show and letting loose the hounds of war on New York City.
Tagline: Part dog. Part killer. All terror.
Nearness original is to horror remake: Both movies are about dogs doing incredible things and involve basketball. It’s just that in the horror version the incredible things are killing lots of people.
Backup plan: Air Bud is a dog forced to perform the same trick over and over again until he snaps one day leaving the actors in his newest film (preferably attractive teenagers) stranded on set with a dog gone mad.
Titanic
Pitch: Titanic becomes part of the Final Destination series. Reworking history a little, only a small group of people (preferably attractive teenagers) survives the tragic ship accident, but death still wants them. As the period horror film progresses they’re picked off one by one by increasingly elaborate death sequences that all involve ice. The only one not to involve ice is one of the people who loves music. His death comes at the hands of a band whose music gets amplified loud enough to explode his head. Despite his impending death the band plays on.
Tagline: Death never lets go.
Nearness original is to horror remake: Spinning off into another series kind of diverts things here and historical accuracy goes out the window. Well, that latter part might make it more similar.
Backup plan: Jack is back. After Rose lets him drown by not sharing the door Jack returns in ghost form to terrorize her and her family.
Batman
Pitch: Remember that scene in >The Dark Knight where the Joker shakicam-murders a guy? Of course you do. Instead of making that the darkest, most disturbing part of a film, use it as the blueprint for everything else. There’s a graphic novel called Joker that came out a few years back, where the Joker was released from Arkham. That story could be the jumping off point for this slasher-esque horror film. Batman will obviously be a part of the story, but he takes the backseat. Instead, we have a film about Joker, either told from his perspective or that of a side character (as in Joker), where he goes on a murderous rampage against all the people who have wronged him. Bring Scarecrow back and add some hallucinogenic toxins to the mix and viola.
Tagline: The true mask of terror.
Nearness original is to horror remake: Batman was always supposed to be scary. That’s the whole point. We’re just amping up the darkness here.
Backup plan: Letting Joel Schumacher direct another.
Robin Hood
Pitch: Robin Hood has been adapted so many times that the film has to go in a new direction. That direction is turning Robin Hood and his merry men into cannibals. A small group of peasants (preferably attractive teenagers) find out that while Robin Hood is taking money from the wealthy he’s only doing it so he and his band of human terrors can continue to literally cannibalize the English countryside. The peasants go off into the woods to find Robin Hood, but soon the hunters become the hunted.
Tagline: Steal from the rich and eat the poor
Nearness original is to horror remake: Once the kids are in the woods not too close, but you’ve still got the basic character stuff there.
Backup plan: King George is a secret evil monster that kills humans for food and Robin Hood is the only one who can stop him.
You’ve Got Mail
Pitch: After joining an online dating service a city detective falls in love with the man she meets on the other end. Little does she know he’s actually the serial killer she’s been hunting down for the past five years. As his murders start to ramp up so does their relationship, but she can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with her new found love.Of course none of this is revealed to the audience either, delivering an epic twist ending with the words “You’ve Got Mail” becoming the scariest three words in the English language.
Tagline: You’ve got mail. Death attached.
Nearness original is to horror remake: Online dating is scary. The original could have gone down this road too.
Backup plan: Standard stalker story, but you set it in the 90s so people can laugh at the old-timey technology and the size of laptops.
Short Circuit
Pitch: When a brilliant scientist believes he has given life to his robot Johnny 5 he thinks he’s got it made, but the robot escapes and starts terrorizing New York City. Turns out the metal that was used to build Johnny 5 was taken from the tomb of a cursed demon lord and now that demon has taken control of the most advanced robotic technology the 1980s have to offer. What new robotic ways will he use to kill his next victim?
Tagline: Johnny Five is alive… and evil.
Nearness original is to horror remake: One short circuit in a different direction and we’re dealing with a homicidal maniac robot in the original.
Backup plan: Johnny Five is the AI robot brought along on the first human expedition to mars. Unfortunately no one will be returning.
March of the Penguins
Pitch: 100 years in the future and mankind has almost completely destroyed the emperor penguin’s native habitat through global warming and over fishing. Penguins, as clearly illustrated in the original film, are survivors and have been evolving this entire time… into homicidal maniacs hell bent on avenging the polar ice caps. Think The Birds, but without flight and with sharp weapons.
Tagline: This time they’re marching south.
Nearness original is to horror remake: Who knows. In 100 years this could actually turn out to be a documentary just like the original.
Backup plan: Some people (preferably attractive teenagers) bring home what they believe is an emperor penguin after catching it on vacation. Turns out its a long lost breed of killer penguin and it doesn’t like its new home.
Nell
Pitch: A girl is locked in a cabin with only her mother as human contact. She’s finally brought into society in a small town, but can’t handle it and snaps going on a killing spree as she stalks down the people who found her (preferably attractive teenagers) and kills them all for ruining her perfect little world. The teens make the mistake of attempting to reason with her at every turn, but she is no more human than she is monster. The final shot is her scaling a large building to reveal the New York skyline, thus setting up the sequel, Nell 2: Nell Takes Manhattan.
Tagline: Death Nell
Nearness original is to horror remake: A girl has no social contact with the outside world and then is thrust into it. This is actually what would happen.
Backup plan: It turns out Nell isn’t the killer, society is. Mind. Blown.
