50 Shades of Freed trailer brought to you by David’s Bridal

First, there was 50 Shades of Gray. Then, there was 50 Shades Darker. Now, from the producers of 50 Shades of Gray and 50 Shades Darker, comes 50 Shades of Freed. Get ready for the ride of your lives, as Christian Laetner and Anastasia Romanov reunite for this unbridled tale of passion and forbidden sexual desires. Hold on to your seats, buckle up, and brace yourselves for maximum pleasure as we reveal every secret (nope), overturn every notion (not-uh), and explain the possible reasons for the progression of titles in this franchise (no way).

So, they’re now married, deep in trust (and love–presumably) and she’s just learning that her billionaire boyfriend owns a tiny jet? He’s a billionaire: how is that a surprise? Also, apparently there will be more boring bondage sex since they’re not yet out of the honeymoon phase. Wait for 50 Shades 4: Cheaters and 50 Shades 50: Couples Therapy. That’s it Christian–let it all out you twisted wanker, you. This is a place of trust!