By Why?
Why why why? Why? Why why why why? WHY?
Why are we here? Why do we live in the universe that not only gave us the original Norm of the North, a film so terrible that for a time it had a perfect zero on Rotten Tomatoes, but punished us all with a sequel? Technically it isn’t just one sequel. Norm of the North: Keys to the Kingdom is actually two 45 minute movies smashed together into one release. Originally these two movies were supposed to get individual releases, the first of which being Keys to the Kingdom while the other was supposed to be titled Arctic All-Stars, but through some divine intervention they were consolidated into one release. So instead of watching two shorter movies, I just need to watch one long one. Hooray.
Guys… I don’t know what you want me to say. You know that this was doomed to be VOD garbage. No one was expecting this to be good. The fact that it got a limited theatrical run is astonishing to me. So instead of my trying to force a thoughtful, introspective review on Norm of the North: Keys to the Kingdom, which it doesn’t deserve, let me list all of the terrible parts of this movie that made me laugh out loud, cringe, wish for the Big Crunch to happen sooner rather than later, or contemplate why I did this to myself. I have no one else to blame for this besides me. I am the author of this tragedy. Starring me. Jesse Lab.
Norm of the North: Keys to the Kingdom
Director: Tim Maltby, Richard Finn
Rating: PG
Release Date: January 11th, 2019 (Limited), February 12th, 2019 (VOD)
1) Holy shit this movie looks bad! I mean, the original wasn’t winning any beauty pageants, but this one looks worse than an early 2000’s animated movie. I made a poor decision reviewing this.
2) This movie looks like Hoodwinked. Does anyone remember Hoodwinked? I can’t believe I actually remembered Hoodwinked.
3) This movie is missing frames of animation. Characters are just moving and appearing out of nowhere. Norm walked past a caribou playing poker and somehow appeared in the opposite direction of where he was walking to. Can Norm bend the space-time continuum, or is this just shitty animation? You make the call.
4) Norm has kids. Norm the twerking polar bear has procreated. If you don’t have kids, you are officially less sexually desirable than Norm the polar bear.
5) Norm is going to New York to receive the key to the city. Why would New York give the key to the city to a bear? Then again, this is the city that made a rat lying next to a bottle of Hennessy a viral hit, so who knows.
6) Norm, his two human friends, and his son are having a discussion about how humans can understand and comprehend what Norm and his son are saying and why they can’t understand any other animals. Norm and his son just shrugged their shoulders. Glad no one has any idea what’s happening.
7) OH GREAT THE FUCKING LEMMINGS ARE HERE. AND THEY FART AS THEY SLEEP. MAGICAL.
8) The ceremony honoring Norm has five people in the crowd. HA!
9) The mayor gave Norm the literal key to the city. As in, that key can open any locked door in New York City. My brain froze for four seconds as I tried to process that fact. A polar bear can now legally enter any building/residence in New York City. And you thought that Bill de Blasio made dumbass decisions.
10) The mayor smells like ass. This is gonna be a plot point, isn’t it?
11) A Norm of the North cosplayer appeared! Where are all of the Norm cosplayers at Comic-Con?
12) Norm is framed for robbing a bank… Fuck it, let’s see where this goes.
13) It’s up to his son and Norm’s human child sidekick Olympia to solve the case!
14) Norm’s son just said Holy Schnikes. It’s been a while since I thought of Chris Farley. Also, how dare you use Chris Farley’s catchphrase Norm of the North: Keys to the Kingdom!
15) Norm is cross-dressing and looks like he belongs in Jack & Jill.
16) There’s a Chinese rabbit named Fong that’s guarding a bank the fake Norm is robbing. So wait, there are other sentient animals in NYC? And humans can understand him? THEN WHY IS NORM SUCH A BIG DEAL???
17) There’s stock “DUH DUH DAAAAAAAAAAAH!” music in this movie. I’ve heard the same shock and awe music twice now. I should keep a counter for how many times I hear this (Nine. Nine times. They also reuse the same frame of animation four times in the second half over the course of three minutes.)
18) The Chinese rabbit owns a helicopter and they’re using it to catch the mayor. Turns out the mayor was evil. How did Norm know? Cause the mayor and the stolen money both smelled like ass. Knew it would be a plot point.
19) Norm just jumped from one helicopter to another in midair and somehow didn’t get sliced into a billion bloody bear bits. What if he just died in horrible agony as his lifeless corpse hit the ground and we stared at a black screen for 50 minutes?
20) There’s 50 more minutes of this. FUCK.
21) NYC has like 30 people in it. Also someone suggested that Norm should run for president. Stone this man to death.
21) Now part two starts. Lord help me.
22) Norm is back in the North and someone is stealing the ice from his country! Oh no! Oh yeah, forgot to mention that Norm is king of the Arctic. Norm has political power. You are now less sexually potent and have less political power than a polar bear that Rob Schneider didn’t even want to voice again.
23) The villains now are a water company that have a legit evil orchestra and chorus chanting whenever they speak. They’re so over-the-top evil that it’s actually kind of amazing.
24) The rabbit is back. He’s also acting nothing like he was ten minutes ago. Also he’s cross eyed in every shot. Did this movie have a budget?
25) The fate of the Arctic is now depending on a hockey game between a bunch of animals and knock-off Russians. I’m at the edge of my seat.
26) LEMMING STAMPEEEEEEEEDE! And I’m proud that none of them farted. That’s showing restraint movie!
27) A seal was just eaten alive.
28) Norm’s brother is an asshat that wants all of the fame to himself and just got his ass handed to him by the Not-Russians at hockey. Serves him right.
29) The Not-Russians are robots. Am I drunk?
30) They’re settling this with a three on three hockey match, but there are four people on both teams. I don’t know hockey, but is that right? Three doesn’t equal four, right?
31) Norm’s team won and the Arctic is saved! Plus his brother learned not to be an asshat! Oh happy days, now I can sleep soundly at night!
32) One of Norm’s kids just reprogrammed the Not-Russians to put the ice back into the Arctic like this was some kind of Tetris board. At this point I’m not even surprised.
33) CREDITS! THANK JESUS! It’s not offensive or bad for kids, but wow this was an endurance test of a movie. But now we’re done with this franchise.
34) They’re making a third movie.
And that’s why Norm of the North: Keys to the Kingdom is the worst movie of 2019. Calling it now. Any other opinion is wrong. Every other writer here didn’t have to see this. This is the hill I die on.
