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First trailer for Among the Shadows looks like an FMV game

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Starring Lindsay Lohan, why not

I know people have problems with the Resident Evil movies. They go too far. They're not true enough to the games that inspired them. I get it, and I agree. If only there was a movie out there that looked to have the budget and costuming of that Playstation classic with performances just as uncannily wooden as the game itself.

Well, I think the above trailer might be the closest we come to that. All you have to do is replace zombies with werewolves, and here you have it--not that these werewolves look much the part. They have the teeth, sure, but what's up with the eyes? I don't ever remember seeing or hearing anything about werewolves having glowing eyes. And is that it? When do they, you know, actually turn into wolves?

Among the Shadows sees a private detective who's also one of a long lineage of werewolves named Kristy Wolfe (of course) stumble upon a war brewing among underworld werewolves after her uncle is murdered. Patricia Sherman (Lindsay Lohan) approaches this detective to investigate the murder of her husband (the President of the United States, obviously), and Wolfe delves deep into webs of corruption and double-dealing and must fight to escape with her life, all while using her werewolf powers to stay one step ahead.

It looks ridiculous and bad, and also kind of captivating because of it. Lindsay Lohan has officially reached the Daniel Baldwin phase of her career. That said, she's not the star, so I doubt she'll be in more than six minutes of the film.

Also, she could never be the star, anyway. No one can be the star. This old man, he's the star. He's gripped my heart and is squeezing with all his withered might. Just look at him. He's more of a werewolf (okay, he's more of a vampire, but still) than you can be, than I can be, than anyone cane be. I look at him, and I see terror incarnate. I've immortalized him now, as he should have always been. I can't stop looking at it, and yet I piss myself on every loop. My pants are plastered to my legs. My chair is ruined. I'm as transfixed as I am horrified. Someone, please send help.

Before I pass out from dehydration, I should mention that there's also a poster below. It at the very least features a wolf. Not a werewolf, sure, but that's asking too much. It also has explosions which are tiny compared to Lindsay Lohan's head. The wolf is also inside her head, which isn't fair. That gives the impression that she's going to be a werewolf. She's not. Maybe the twist is that she's also one? If so, then the poster did a good job of spoiling it! And down at the bottom, squashed in the corner is our main character, looking like an Eastern European villager fleeing Lindsay Lohan's giant flaming chest cavity.

We'll see how all this turns out when Among the Shadows hits VOD on March 5, 2019.

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Kyle Yadlosky
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