Another year, another heaping serving of trash to unload from our collective thoughts. While 2019 didn’t have a ton of offensively bad movies, what 2019 did produce were a large amount of movies that clearly should have been killed before going into production. With previous years, you can kind of understand why studios would greenlight certain projects, but 2019 was chock-full of ideas that no one wanted. The fact that they released at all is both a miracle and divine punishment for something that we may have done. These movies suck and it’s pretty clear to see why.
Similar to how we changed up our adherence to our rating scale, we actually had far fewer movies that got a 2 or below compared to last year. While that may seem good, we also decided to widen our qualifications for making it onto this list. If a movie received a three or below, that it was able to make its way onto our worst list. Some of these movies you may remember, most you’ve blocked out of your thoughts. Like a good purge, it’s better we just get all of this out than keep it festering inside.
Here are Flixist’s worst reviewed movies of 2019 in chronological order and descending score order.
Flawless – 3
“I’m not saying that you can’t make a movie that deals with the unpleasantness of high school from a transgender perspective, but there has to be a certain level of subtlety and grace when approaching it. Flawless is neither subtle nor graceful, instead going all in on tedium and unpleasantness.” — Jesse
Uglydolls – 3
“Uglydolls is an ugly movie. And, yes, I realize that the moral of the film is supposed to be about not judging things by how they look, but what’s on the inside. But Uglydolls is ugly throughout. At no point in its under 90-minute run time does it do a single thing to justify its existence. It is a derivative, boring, poorly made slog that even the children it is geared towards found uninteresting. I hesitate to call it a movie when it’s actually just some hastily together animations on par with those bottom tier kids shows you’re not quite sure aren’t actually horror shorts the animation is so bad.” — Matt
Norm of the North: King Sized Adventure – 3
“Truthfully, this feels like punching down. I’m all up for sticking it to the man and letting people know if a truly terrible movie or TV show deserves vitriol, but trying to force negativity for a movie like this just seems like bad taste… Would I recommend Norm of the North: King Sized Adventure to anyone? Oh, God no. A bad movie is still a bad movie, but when the competition is awful trash and insane idiocy, lukewarm milk seems like the best choice of the three.” — Jesse
“Coming in at an hour and 39 minutes (including credits) Last Blood feels less like a movie and more like a long-form home defense advertisement. The short length lends credence to the question that plagued me throughout the entire viewing. Did we need this update? My resounding answer was no, at least not like this.” — Anthony
Lucky Day – 3
“Lucky Day is a failure to capture the hip, barreling energy of ’90s crime films. It ends up feeling like an exercise in overbearing, smug ultra-violence without sense, and tells a practically-nonexistent story of tropes we’ve all seen and heard before… Rather than inject life into ideas, Lucky Day beats a dead horse without any conviction; a shambling corpse of an era past.” — Sam
Marla – 3
“I spent most of Marla wondering if the entire cast spent their off-camera time chugging bottles of NyQuil. It’s uncanny how just about every actor offers an identically sleeping-gas sedate performance. “You got groceries” and “Oh my god, your boyfriend’s bloody dead body is lying right beneath you” are delivered with the same far-off monotone, straining only slightly to reach the general idea of emotions like unease, grief, or horror.” — Kyle
The Dwelling – 3
“How am I supposed to sympathize with a detective who shot an unarmed black man to death? How? This is not the climate to just carelessly tack that into a character’s past. Does him saving the life of an attractive white female redeem him? No. Nope. Never. And yet the camera follows him. Still, I’m expected to hope that he’ll solve this case and save the day. All I want is to see a bed use its sheet as a lasso in order to drag a screaming victim into its digestive maw. Why is that too much to ask?” — Kyle
Crossbreed – 2.5
“Straight from the opening space fight, which looks something like if Ed Wood filmed an intergalactic adventure on a Playstation One, Crossbreed lets you know that if you’re not somehow being paid to be involved with this movie, then you have absolutely no right being anywhere near the thing. It doesn’t get better than this. It doesn’t get worse, either. It remains exactly this bad for a solid hour-and-a-half.” — Kyle
Norm of the North: Keys to the Kingdom – 2.5
“Norm is back in the North and someone is stealing the ice from his country! Oh no! Oh yeah, forgot to mention that Norm is king of the Arctic. Norm has political power. You are now less sexually potent and have less political power than a polar bear that Rob Schneider didn’t even want to voice again.” — Jesse
Woodsrider – 2.5
“Woodsrider, a documentary from Uncork’d Entertainment bills itself as a “season of adventure and self-discovery.” This is true, in so far as I, through the self-discovery of watching have learned to another degree, more or less, that I really can’t stand bad movies. It also ostensibly bills itself as a “meditative film about identity, home, and the way that human experience echoes that of the natural world.” I literally don’t know how Woodsrider is about any of that.” — Rick
2050 – 2
“2050 is a horrible, sloppy waste of time that’s not erotic or thoughtful and fails to find the humanity in women whether they were built for sex or not. I used to think the least romantic romance ever made was 1980’s Somewhere in Time, also starring Dean Cain, but I’ve been proven very wrong. At least he can escape the shame of this one by throwing up his hands and saying, “Look, I was never even in the same room as any of these people,” and no one could call him a liar.” — Kyle
10 Minutes Gone – 2
“Heist movies can be a lot of things, but at the very least they’re usually entertaining to some extent. You’d be forgiven if you assumed Bruce Willis and Michael Chiklis teaming up for such a film would inspire a plot worthy of attention. Unfortunately, 10 Minutes Gone lacks its own inspiration with a simplified plot and unmotivated cast.” — Nick
Black Christmas – 2
“The holidays are a time for spreading joy. After Thanksgiving, we’re meant to be grateful for the things we have, and the final month of the year is generally considered a time where we should make an effort to make ourselves and others happy. If you’ve just seen Black Christmas, you do have at least one reason to be happy: You’ve already seen the movie, and now know to never, ever go near it again.” — Sam
The Haunting of Sharon Tate – 1.5
“In the age of video on demand, there’s a little more leniency for what can get made and what you could potentially spend your time and/or money on for entertainment. Even when working with these lowered bars of quality, I wouldn’t recommend The Haunting of Sharon Tate to even my worst enemy. I don’t even know how it got made. It’s shallow, lifeless, boring, and worst of all, exploitative of real-life tragedy with no regard for the subject matter.” — Anthony
Cats – 1.5
“It’s wasteful. It’s shameless. It’s embarrassing. It’s a laughing stock. It’s a flop. It’s pathetic. It’s horrendous. It’s nauseating. It’s uncomfortable. It’s a movie that you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever watch. I can go on for another ten paragraphs about why this movie sucks, but here’s the best ending I can think of at the moment: Fuck this movie, fuck Tom Hooper, and fuck me for actually wasting my time with this movie.” — Jesse
