Gone are the days when February meant godawful movies of low budget and little critical fanfare, welcome are the days when February heralds the release of just ridiculous ‘certain-set-of-skills’ action movies and (*Golden Globe nominated*) comic book adaptations! Look, it makes sense. The holidays are over. You’ve seen the people you missed, seen more than enough of them really, and just want to imagine yourself wasting a hole bunch of jerks, because, why not, you wear a custom-tailored suit, have a back full of tattoos, and are, as your teaser poster one-sheet promises, bullet proof. No, dummy, that’s not you, that’s Keanu Reeves back for a second share of former-hitman turned high-priced dog walker John Wick.
Most audience members, myself included, were likely caught off guard by the original John Wick: sort of like when a girl who’s way too cute suddenly kisses you on the cheek on the playground during fifth period recess. You startle, giggle a bit, and then sit back and delight at the ridiculous way in which she just takes boys out with her fully-loaded semi-automatic glock nine milly, son! Get some! Have some! Meaning, it was way better than anyone expected.
If you’ve seen said original, you know what I mean, and you know what to expect from the sequel, down one of two original directors (Chad Stahelski stays, and David Leitch departs). And we mean copious amounts of dog deaths; adorable, gut-wrenching puppy killings by Russian mobsters played by dickless eunuchs from Game of Thrones.
Holy shit! The dog lives?!?! But what’s going to set John Wick off?!? I don’t see what could possibly bring him out of retirement what with no wife dying of cancer, or cute puppy getting kicked to death by punks, or … an entire network of assassins gunning for him. Oh. And they blow up his pretty house. Well, shoot. I guess it’s time to don a $3,000 suit and get back to work.
His wick gets lit February 10, 2017, boi.
