Zombies are everywhere. Name an object and add zombie or “of the dead” to it, and I guarantee there’s a film out there with that title. Bong of the Dead? Exists. Toilet of the Dead? Surprisingly a thing. Redneck or stripper zombies? Been there, done that. Those are the films who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said “Hey, me too!” My point is that it’s hard for any new film to come out into the already bloated zombie genre and add something new to the zombie conversation.
Thankfully, Cooties has its own refreshing spin and takes us back to the time before we became deadened by the avalanche of also rans.You won’t believe how much traction it gets out of zombie kids.
Cooties
Directors: Jonathan Milott and Cary Murnion
Rated: R
Release Date: September 18, 2015
At the center of Cooties is Clint, a guy who moved to the bright lights of New York City after graduation to become a big shot writer. But after a few failed attempts has moved back home and is forced to take a substitute teaching gig at his old elementary school. There he meets his old school crush Lucy (Alison Pill), her meathead boyfriend Wade (Rainn Wilson), and a bevy of other weird faculty members like the evolution debunker Rebekkah (Nasim Pedrad) and the socially inept bio teacher Doug (Leigh Whannell). When a contaminated shipment of chicken nuggets (as seen through such a grossly awesome intro, you won’t eat chicken nuggets again) turns the kids of the school into flesh eating monsters, Clint and the other teachers have to escape the school to survive.
The biggest draw, or warning sign depending on your humor, is the writing duo of Saw‘s Leigh Whannell and Glee‘s Ian Brennan. The two have crafted a wonderfully twisted horror premise, but the dialogue is distinctly Brennan’s. As someone who religiously followed Glee through its six seasons (including, but not limited to, buying the Glee karaoke games and soundtrack CDs and watching the short lived Glee Project reality show on Oxygen), I can safely attribute the brunt of the film’s humor to him. That’s probably going to shy folks away, however. Just like Glee, Cooties‘ idea of parody is to come of with jokes that are a few years too old. A post 9/11 kid who wants to join the army named Patriot? A closeted gay teacher making innuendos? The vice principal (Brennan himself) saying “Stop it, kids!” before getting ripped apart? Yeah, those jokes are as tired as they seem. As the film’s humor gets sidetracked with these weird jokes, it never quite takes the premise as far as it could. But the cast’s ability to complete gel with what they’re saying is fantastic.
In Cooties, it’s the cast that makes it work. They’re completely game with the film’s wacky tone, and their performances elevate the film to awesomely cartoonish levels. Since you can’t get too overtly violent with children and still try and be a comedy, the action has to be more humorous than not to succeed. Since directors Milott and Murnion can’t seem to handle action scenes (as most of the action involves the teachers moving from one room to the other and staying there for a few scenes), the cast should be commended for their ability to command attention. As the film itself strays and lingers on a few scenes, the cast is delivering the dialogue with the quickness it needs to make it work and helps make the hokey bits a little more digestible. As Elijah Wood has shown in the past with films like The Faculty, he’s perfectly capable of leading a horror comedy. He’s still charming as ever even when he starts, literally, pooping himself. The scene stealer, however, is Leigh Whannell. His stunted delivery finally works for his awkward bio teacher as he delivers the film’s hilarious science.
While the directors may not handle action scenes too well (leading to a ending scene that feels convoluted and tacked on while completely undermining the film’s bittersweet climax), the duo have got a good grasp on imagery. Cooties looks fantastic. Insidious reds, taut greens and shading, and you definitely get the most out of zombie kids. The kids are covered in gross puss and blood (instead of becoming too gruesome, it goes for the comedic route) and aren’t too horrendously attacked, there’s a girl playing jump rope with an intestine, a kid riding a tricycle covered in blood, zombie kids playing blood hopscotch, and so on. It’s pretty much the embodiment of the “kids are terrifying” mantra. The film never quite reaches the level of visual you’d hope with a premise like this, but what is here is well crafted. There’s definitely an attention to detail in the visuals even if there’s a lack of it elsewhere.
Cooties has its share of faults, but none of them are completely damaging to the overall package. There’ll be stuff within the film that bothers you here and there, but when watching the cast and the kids enjoy themselves it’s hard not to follow in their footsteps. For every hokey joke, there’s one that works. For every clunky action scene, there’s a hilarious conversation between two characters.
By the time it makes the egregious mistake of going on past its natural ending, you won’t even care too much. You’ll have a big smile on your face.
