By Despicable Me was a revelation when it first hit theaters. A villain choosing fatherhood over his proclivity for evil deeds was a novel idea, and it was much more than the minion flavored marketing would have you believe. Then those minions exploded in popularity.
Lunchboxes, T-shirts, toys, the minions littered literally everything and became a veritable mascot for Illumination Entertainment. They got a bigger role in Despicable Me 2 and brought the film down, and eventually even got a spin-off film that barely held itself together. Meaning I wasn’t exactly thrilled going into the third film in the series.
But I was pleasantly surprised Despicable Me 3 went back to series roots. By focusing its story on Gru and his family once again, and leaving the minions to some sidelines hijinks, the trilogy ends on a better note than I expected. But being slightly better than the worst isn’t a triumph by any means.
Despicable Me 3
Directors: Eric Guillon, Kyle Balda, and Pierre Coffin
Release Date: June 30th, 2017
Rated: PG
After failing to capture former child star turned supervillain Balthasar Bratt (Trey Parker), Gru (Steve Carell) loses his job at the Anti-Villain League. While he’s trying to figure out what to do with his life next, his long lost twin brother Dru (Steve Carell) contacts him and tells him about their family’s villainous legacy. Now Gru has to decide whether or not to please his minions and commit crimes or do what’s best for his family. Also his family is there doing a thing each because that’s all there’s time for this go around, and the minions are farting around in a prison or something. You can basically take the old “long-lost relative” TV trope and copy/paste its plot here and you’ll get the gist.
When a TV show resorts to a long-lost relative plot featuring some guest star, it usually means the show is out of organic ideas and has to force in another entity in order to breathe any kind of life into its husk. It’s like continuing impassioned CPR when the person you’re trying to save is already gone. Every movement you make is futile, and you’re only doing damage to their body. Sitting through Despicable Me 3 parallels this hopelessness all too well. It’s made worse by the film’s constant allusions to comedies of cinema past. At one point, the Minions are driving underwater and speed past two clownfish that look like Finding Nemo‘s Marlin and Nemo, only pouring salt into the wound. It was a grim reminder that I could’ve seen something else, and knowing I still had another 80 minutes to go only exacerbated my apathy.
But so what if I slowly fell asleep, what about the kids? Didn’t they enjoy the funny funnies? Well, they did not. I not only noticed a huge group of kids shuffling around in their seats during the super potent Minion rendition of “I Am the Very Modern Major General” from the very timely referenced 1800s opera The Pirates of Penzance, but also saw how they failed to react when the Minions went to prison. But alas, we were all trapped in Despicable Me 3‘s prison together. At least the kids were still treated as human beings and got brief reprieves from this comedic wasteland every time a Minion made a fart or said boobs or something. I have to admit, even I laughed when the Minions ended up being super successful in prison and acted like some gang from a 50s musical. But was that a laugh out of pure necessity? Did I force myself to react in order to re-affirm my humanity? Then soon, I realized I made myself sick drinking so much out of this small oasis of humor in my perilously dry journey.
One has to wonder how much this cast is getting paid for keeping this farce going. Trey Parker is slightly entertaining as he portrays yet another manchild, but he’s clearly just cashing a check here. Steve Carell, bless him, is the one gleaming hope in this dark world and gets the space to emotionally play around with Grudru once the Minions and the family are out of the picture. Seriously, I think Gru interacts with his family, like, twice? It’s very odd considering where the series began. As for the rest of the family, the girls are all still cute as ever but they’re not given anything meaty to do. Stuck repeating past catchphrases and forever glued to the same age they were seven years ago. Wait, it’s only been seven years and we’ve gotten four of these movies? And Minions 2 is coming out soon also?
I…I just can’t do this anymore.
Look, if you’re reading this review you’re not going to give a shit about what I write here and go see this anyway because you think the Minions are cute. It’s fine, I get it. The Minions are oversaturated on the Internet, playing parts in memes with everything from how bad Mondays are to abortion. With how prevalent they’ve become, it’s impossible to not buy into them at this point. So honestly, does it really matter how I end this? I put more thought here than anything Despicable Me 3 had to offer me, so I’ll just leave you with one of my favorite quotes in the film.
*fart noise*