By Why are movies like Commando, Hard to Kill, and anything in the Dolph Lundgren oeuvre so entertaining? Because there’s one dude who is bad enough to take down an entire third-world county’s worth of faceless thugs. Just the one guy kicking butt, taking names, and being all out of bubblegum. But what if somebody was crazy enough to gather all the bad dudes together in one movie, an assemblage of bad dudes so bad, they take on, quite literally, a third-world country’s worth of faceless thugs? Sylvester Stallone, of Get Carter fame, was just crazy enough to do this, and he called this decent into 80’s action movie nostalgia/madness The Expendables.
I know what you’re thinking, a cornucopia of most of the Bad Dudes of the last quarter-century all gathered in one place has an equal chance of being awesome or awful. That, dear reader, is an absolutely logical train of thought. The question we all want to know is simple: when the dust settled, did Stallone manage to craft an action movie for the ages or did he simply deliver yet another forgettable popcorn flick? Read on and find out.
Why are movies like Commando, Hard to Kill, and anything in the Dolph Lundgren oeuvre so entertaining? Because there’s one dude who is bad enough to take down an entire third-world county’s worth of faceless thugs. Just the one guy kicking butt, taking names, and being all out of bubblegum. But what if somebody was crazy enough to gather all the bad dudes together in one movie, an assemblage of bad dudes so bad, they take on, quite literally, a third-world country’s worth of faceless thugs? Sylvester Stallone, of Get Carter fame, was just crazy enough to do this, and he called this decent into 80’s action movie nostalgia/madness The Expendables.
I know what you’re thinking, a cornucopia of most of the Bad Dudes of the last quarter-century all gathered in one place has an equal chance of being awesome or awful. That, dear reader, is an absolutely logical train of thought. The question we all want to know is simple: when the dust settled, did Stallone manage to craft an action movie for the ages or did he simply deliver yet another forgettable popcorn flick? Read on and find out.{{page_break}}
The story is almost painfully simple. Stallone plays Barney Ross, leader of the titular Expendables, a group of mercenaries made up of blade master Lee Christmas (Jason Statham, Crank), scrappy, diminutive martial arts expert Yin Yang (Jet Li, Hero), big and burly weapons specialist Hale Caesar (Terry Crews, Lottery Ticket), explosives guru and all-around under-developed character Toll Road (Randy Couture, The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior), and pirate-hating sniper Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren, The Killing Machine). When Jensen goes overboard on a mission, Ross kicks him to the curb. Shortly thereafter, he and the rest of his Expendables find themselves neck-deep in some serious business overthrowing General Garza (David Zayas, Dexter), cruel dictator of the fictional island country Vilena. There’s also a tacked-on romance plot between Christmas and his ladyfriend, played by Charisma Carpenter (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), but the less said about that, the better. Bullets fly, heads explode, and explosions rain rubble for a good chunk of the movie, leading to an intense and mind-meltingly entertaining climax that would please even the most hardened action movie vet.
There are a lot of big names in this movie. In addition to the above mentioned, you’ve got Mickey Rourke (Iron Man 2) as former Expendable and current tattoo artist “Tool,” Eric Roberts (progenitor of the lovely Emma Roberts and star of modern-day classic Sharktopus) as General Garza’s American puppet master, Steve Austin (ex-WWE wrestler and star of the highly underrated The Condemned) and kick-boxer Gary Daniels (the bewildering but not half-bad Tekken movie) as his henchmen Dan Paine and The Brit, respectively, and a surprise couple of cameos (that the trailers shouldn’t have spoiled) by Bruce Willis (Red) as the mysterious “Mr. Church” and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Ross’s rival. Also starring as Barney’s love interest/spicy rebel Sandra is telenovella star Gisele Itié. By and large, the cast nailed their performances, and characters like Couture’s Toll Road and Crews’s Hale Caesar suffered more from lack of screen time than acting ability. It was as nice to see David Zayas in a considerably different role than his cheerful Cuban detective in Dexter as it was to see Sylvester Stallone play the same guy he’s played for the past few decades.
The writing of the film was both cliché and enjoyable. The ‘do the job or do the right thing’ plot device is nowhere near original, but watching Stallone and his crew cut a swath through hundreds of guys never gets old. The only time the film drags is when it tries to be more than a shallow, machine gun-totting action movie. Statham’s character was awesome, and it was really disappointing that Christmas is involved in the worst part of the movie. A romance subplot is not unheard of in these movies, but I felt that the melodrama between him and his gal pal was left unresolved, and the screen time wasted on it could have been better spent spotlighting Terry Crews and Randy Couture.
Fortunately, the parts that drag are minimal compared to the action. A showdown with pirates, a tense entry into and an action packed escape from Vilena, a frenzied car chase and a brutal hand-to-hand scene all lead up to one of the most action-packed final acts I’ve ever seen. Despite their lack of development, Crews and Couture both get a chance to shine as the Expendables defy all odds and take on the entire Vilenian army. I’ve seen plenty of action movies, but Stallone crafted a climax of legendary proportions.
In the end, The Expendables was not a perfect movie, but it was completely watchable. In fact, I saw it in theaters twice. A perfect blend of action and more action, Sylvester Stallone crafted a film that was a loving tribute to what has come before. It may not have broken new ground, but The Expendables took us down a familiar and well-worn path littered with shotgun shells and bullet holes. It’s just a matter of time before The Expendables II comes out, and I can only imagine what other action stars Stallone will pull out of his hat. If it learns from its mistakes and stays true to its mission statement of bad dudes being bad dudes and avoids a tacked-on subplot, the sequel will be able to eclipse the original. Either way, I will be at the front of the line on opening night.
8.45 – Great. (Movies that score between 8.00 and 8.50 are great representations of their genre that everyone should see in theaters on opening night.)
A shallow-in-the-best-of-ways script, high-adrenaline action, and a stable of talented action megastars helped make The Expendables an instant classic. Stallone may be getting old, but he’s still got a lot of fight left in him, and with a sequel already greenlit, The Expendables has the potential to become the next great action franchise.
