By Sam: Welcome to the third installment of Sean and Sam vs. the Interwebs. We know that this column isn’t perfect, it’s a work in progress, but there aren’t many people doing this, and we are kinda making it up as we go along.
Sean: That’s still no excuse, so we’ve spent the last seven days scouring the depths of the world wide web in order to bring you all posts we can really get fired up about. Due to Sam’s tireless efforts, he’s found the perfect post for us to sink our teeth into. Sam, would you kindly?
Sam: This week, when we stumbled upon a gift of a post, courtesy of keykey-1, we thought it was too good to be true. One of the challenges with this format is that there are, apparently, a large number of trolls on IMDB that like to stir up controversy or have a good laugh at our expense. So we have to make sure the postings we attack are honest opinion, and not a post to deliberately incite terror/anger (we’re looking at you, Mister ‘Robert Pattinson should star in remakes of Die Hard, Some Like It Hot, and Star…
Sam: Welcome to the third installment of Sean and Sam vs. the Interwebs. We know that this column isn’t perfect, it’s a work in progress, but there aren’t many people doing this, and we are kinda making it up as we go along.
Sean: That’s still no excuse, so we’ve spent the last seven days scouring the depths of the world wide web in order to bring you all posts we can really get fired up about. Due to Sam’s tireless efforts, he’s found the perfect post for us to sink our teeth into. Sam, would you kindly?
Sam: This week, when we stumbled upon a gift of a post, courtesy of keykey-1, we thought it was too good to be true. One of the challenges with this format is that there are, apparently, a large number of trolls on IMDB that like to stir up controversy or have a good laugh at our expense. So we have to make sure the postings we attack are honest opinion, and not a post to deliberately incite terror/anger (we’re looking at you, Mister 'Robert Pattinson should star in remakes of Die Hard, Some Like It Hot, and Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.’
Sean: This post is a doozy. Join us after the jump as we beat some sense into this sad excuse for a person with working eyes, because he obviously wasn’t actually watching this movie. {{page_break}}
How about they made a movie of an european queen and put and asian or an "true" african person.That is why i rated this movie a 1.And i dont care what the hell anyone says. White people always trying to make stuff as them when they should stick with their own culture
Sam: Where to start, where to start…
Sean: I already hate him so much.
How about they made a movie of an european queen and put and asian or an “true” african person.
Sean: Well, keykey, spoiler alert: THE BOAT IS THE AFRICAN QUEEN. IT’S THE BOAT! IT SAYS ‘AFRICAN QUEEN’ RIGHT ON THE SIDE OF IT. DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE MOVIE!? I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD HAVE MISSED IT!
Sam: Easy Sean, we don’t want you hurting yourself. For those keeping score at home, I count at least seven grammar or punctuation errors in the first sentence. This is nothing new, so I shouldn’t harp about it too much, but it actually does affect the quality of the argument. Which, actually, was pretty weak on its own. What were you doing while this movie was playing? Did you plant a small garden, or solve a Rubiks Cube? Were you throwing a murder-mystery party for your own amusement? Did you watch the movie on your iPhone during a heavy metal concert?
This is why i rated this movie a 1.
Sam: I find it fantastic that your movie scoring system revolves around whether or not you found the title to be appropriate for whatever movie you made up, in your brain, while staring at the screen. Fight Club, 8/10.Rocky, 2/10.Full Metal Jacket, 0/10.Ice Spiders, 10/10.
Sean: I want to drink this man’s blood from his own skull and I don’t even remember liking this movie that much (to be fair, I was like 12. Jesus, that's 12 years ago).
And I don’t care what the hell anyone says.
Sean: Obviously.
Sam: Well, that’s good, because the rest of this post isn’t any more pleasant.
Sean: Beligerence is a virtue. I need several drinks.
Sam: It’s fine to share your opinions, just please use real information about the issue to make an informed decision.
Sean: There is nothing informed about this decision, Sam.
White people always trying to make stuff as them when they should stick with their own culture
Sam: Period. Or, wait, I guess it’s a work in progress? Finality fail. I think he is trying to say that Caucasians are constantly stealing from other cultures, and that they should learn to create independently. And before you go run and check the books, yes, the novel was written by a “white people”, as was the screenplay, and both leads are “white people”. I’m not trying to make the discussion of the film’s merits about race, because that is unnecessary, just like this post.
Sean: Keykey, Chris Rock called, he wants his schtick back. Also, I’m fairly certain that wasn’t even an actual sentence, period or otherwise. This guy missed the entire point of The African Queen and we’re all stupider for his having done so. I think my earlier fit of rage popped something in my brain, so I’m going to go lay down. Take us home, Sam.
Sam: This week we were fortunate because this poster’s point is easy to find. The producers of this movie should have cast an African as the lead role of The African Queen. Sounds fair to me. Unfortunately, said Queen is a boat. I don’t think boats have different races. Well, they do, but they are called regattas. Sam out.
Sean: Wait. Now, this might be the bleeding into my brain talking, but I know how to fix this. Get me Michael Bay on the phone! He can reboot the African Queen franchise and make it about a transforming, jive-talking boat captained by a teen heartthrob. With explosions! Lots and lots of glorious explosions! Brilliant! Once again, I’m Sean and he’s Sam, and we want you all to remember: we’re watching.
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Also, here’s what the post could have looked like if Keykey hadn’t been busy playing Sudoku or huffing paint while watching The African Queen:
"I watched The African Queen and it’s obviously the name of Bogart’s boat. I didn’t care for it for reasons other than the boat’s name, leading to my 1-star rating. Here’s that list: (here’s where the list would be!)
I respect others’ opinions and would care to hear them so that we may have an intellectual, well-formed argument about the merits of this film.
I also feel Caucasians are always trying to co-opt other cultures to make their own, but feel that their own culture is rich and vast enough to harvest ideas on their own two feet. Please, share your thoughts."