Welcome one and all to Flixist’s new end of the year awards program, the Golden Cages! With Hollywood becoming increasingly out of touch with what the people like, we at Flixist have taken it upon ourselves to deliver the fair, balanced, dignity-filled awards you deserve. Why are we delivering our 2018 awards so late in the year? Because the Oscars do it and we’re better than them. The winners of the Golden Cages will be spread out over the next two weeks, right before the hostless Academy Awards.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in awards time yet
No respite from banality
Open your eyes
Look up the major nominees
We are perplexed by Bohemian Rhapsody
Because it’s really pat, and shallow
Aiming high, falling low
Rami Malek’s false teeth, they don’t really matter to me
To me
Singer, what an awful man
The allegations we have read
Somehow his career isn’t dead
Bryan, shooting’s nearly done
But your absences have caused so many delays
Drama, ooh-ooh ooh
Will this production die?
If you’re not back again this time tomorrow
Dexter Fletcher will carry on, as if nothing really matters
Too late, to save what’s done
The editing hurts the eyes
And the script reads like a crime
What happened, everybody, to this picture show?
Why does it feel like made-for-cable schlock?
Drama, ooh-ooh ooh (the Golden Globe goes…)
What a waste of time
Sometimes wish I’d never seen the film at all
People, actual fucking people, are watching scene after scene like this and are saying "bruuuh! best. movie. of. the. year"?
This is objectively bad. Someone with no idea about editing will notice it. My brain is on fire thinking that this is an OSCAR NOMINATED MOVIE! FUCK! pic.twitter.com/QVDCxe2iaf— Pramit Chatterjee (@pramitheus) January 26, 2019
I see a paltry impersonation of a band
Fast and loose, fast and loose, with the facts of the Live Aid show
Queen wasn’t reuniting and Freddie didn’t reveal his HIV
(For the big show) for the big show
(For the big show) for the big show
For the big show figaro magnifico
Gosh what a bad film loved by voting bodies
This is a bad film, at best a mediocrity
Lacking in depth and filmmaking artistry
Really pat, and shallow, the film rings hollow
But Malek! No, the film still rings hollow
(Rings hollow!) But Malek! The film still rings hollow
(Rings hollow!) But Malek! The film still rings hollow
(Rings hollow!) It still rings hollow
(Rings hollow!) It still rings hollow
(Rings hollow!) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Bryan Singer, Bryan Singer) That Mike Myers cameo
The Flixist staff has a Golden Cage to give to thee, to thee, to thee!
While Malek’s performance might deserve an acting prize
The movie’s a mess, its success a surprise
Oh, baby, what a surprise to me, baby
Just putting that out, just putting that right out in here
Ooh ooh
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to the Academy
Anyway, this film blows
