I, like you, was busy last night getting drunk and watching the Super Bowl. I, unlike you, missed alot of the commercials because I kept switching back and fourth between the game and the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. I couldn’t help it, I just have an affinity for puppies.
Still, I gathered all the Super Bowl movie trailers for rapid fire judgment. More after the coin toss.
I, like you, was busy last night getting drunk and watching the Super Bowl. I, unlike you, missed alot of the commercials because I kept switching back and fourth between the game and the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. I couldn't help it, I just have an affinity for puppies.
Still, I gathered all the Super Bowl movie trailers for rapid fire judgment. More after the coin toss.{{page_break}}
Just Go With It
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248655
Staring: Brooklyn Decker, Brooklyn Decker’s personalities, Adam Sandler & that “Friend” who keeps getting dumped by everybody.
Synopsis: Brooklyn Decker emerges from the sea, has the power to reduce men into putty
Notes:
+ Focuses on the only redeeming quality of this film: Brooklyn Decker’s deckers.
– The movie still looks like sh*te
Comments: The trailer boasts that it’s the only trailer that warrants instant replay. While this is true, it is also the only trailer to induce vomiting and nosebleeds.
Verdict: Tell your girlfriend it’s a romantic comedy, then explain to her how you spent +$20 bucks just so you can ogle Brooklyn Decker’s tits. She’ll understand.
Limitless
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248671
Staring: Bradley Cooper & Robert DeNiro
Synopsis: Man takes drug, becomes rich and awesome. Moral to the story: do drugs.
Notes:
+ The only movie I can think of that puts a positive spin on drug abuse.
– Still looks god awful
Comments: I can’t help but think that they chose to use Kanye West’s “Power” in the hopes that it would be associated with The Social Network. I mean, it was cool when Fincher did it, but here it just looks desperate.
Verdict: Fast forward to a better trailer.
Kung Fu Panda 2:
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248663
Staring: A kung fu panda, other asian stereotypes
Synopsis: fat jokes fat jokes FART fat jokes fat jokes JACK BLACK SCATTING fat jokes fat jokes KUNG FU.
Notes:
+ Clever use of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”.
Comments: OMG U GUYZ. INSTEAD OF “WE WILL ROCK YOU” THEY TOTALLY SAID “WE WILL WOK YOU”! GET IT?! BECAUSE ASIAN FOLK USE WOKS TO COOK!!!!
Verdict: Kill me now.
Rio
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248667
Staring: animated birds and an animated Brazilian lady with a big posterior
Synopsis: Bird who is unable to fly and ends up in Rio de Janeiro, and because this is Rio, EVERYBODY SINGS!
Notes:
+ Animated dirty bits.
+ Angry Birds code hidden somewhere.
– Animated Musical not done by Disney
Comments: Now I’m not sure if this is or isn’t a musical, but there seemed to be a musical number in the trailer and it made me really disinterested. Also, where the hell is my Angry Birds code!?
Verdict: I’m still rewatching the trailer, trying to find the code.
Fast Five
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248749
Staring: Anyone who’s ever been in a Fast & Furious movie. Also, The Rock
Synopsis: Cars go vroom, things go boom, everybody meets in the parking lot after the movie and revs their engines like idiots.
Notes:
+ Awesome action
+ The Rock
– It’s still a Fast & Furious Movie
– The title bothers me. When I hear Fast Five I think of a squad of cybernetic pirate ninjas defending the galaxy.
Comments: What more can be said? If you remotely liked any of the previous ones you’ll more than likely see this.
Verdict: I will more than likely be one of those idiots revving his engine in the parking lot after the movie.
I Am Number Four
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248661
Staring: Alien Abercrombie & Fitch models.
Synopsis: Teenager has super powers, is on the run because nobody understands him because he’s “different”, other allegories to puberty.
Notes:
+ Super powers are always cool
– Teenagers, not so much.
– The title is all WRONG.
Comments: Along with the Adele soundtrack, it seems this trailer is hamming it up moreso towards the love story that takes place.
Verdict: I Am Number Zero, because I will be skipping this movie*
*my best attempt at emulating Gene Shalit
Battle: Los Angeles
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248665
Staring: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, and bad ass aliens.
Synopsis: Aliens take over the world, realize that all the aliens before them always attack D.C. or N.Y., decide to go for L.A. to be different.
Notes:
+ Reminiscent of EDF, only with good quality.
Comments: The more trailers I see from this film, the more I get excited. Plus having seen the actual anorexic aliens taking over, it only has me more hyped.
Verdict: Watching first day.
Cowboys & Aliens
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248503
Staring: James Bond & Han Solo. Also, naked Olivia Wilde
Synopsis: Cowboys are awesome. Aliens are awesome. Why not put them together?
Notes:
+ Cowboys and aliens
+ Seemingly naked Olivia Wilde
– Not much else
Comments: I want to get excited for this, I really do. I mean I get it, cowboys and aliens are both awesome things, so inherently a film containing both will shatter our feeble brains. Still, I can’t help but feel “meh” about this.
Verdict: Will wait until I see more trailers.
Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248501
Staring: Robots in disguise, Shia LaBeef and a woman who I assume doesn’t have toe thumbs.
Synopsis: Robots kicking ass, explosions, something about an “all spark”
Notes:
+ It actually looks kinda bad ass
+ Looks to be more than a Transformers movie
– It’s still a Transformers movie
Comments: Though I didn’t really care for the first Transformers movie and I basically skipped the second one, I must admit this one does seem pretty epic.
Verdict: Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll give this a shot.
Thor
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248499
Staring: Natalie Portman and some blond guy
Synopsis: A god gets mad at you for borrowing his tools; totally get’s pissed and throws hammers at robots.
Notes:
+ HAMMERS
+ Asgard
– No Idris Elba.
Comments: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: MMMMMEEEEEHHHHHHHHH.
Verdict: Will nerd it out at the theaters and disagree with everything that’s on screen.
Captain America: The First Avenger
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248341
Staring: The Human Torch … no wait.
Synopsis: Wiener kid transforms into super soldier, America f*cking rocks, ROLL CREDITS.
Notes:
+ Red Skull looks fantastic.
+ Cap punches a submarine window.
– Costume looks quite hammy.
Comments: Like Thor, I feel very “meh” about it. I never cared for Thor or the Cap, so I doubt I’ll care for these movies
Verdict: See above.
Super 8
http://publishers.springboard.gorillanation.com/admin/videos/new_edit/381/248347
Staring: ???
Synopsis: Aliens (I think?) take over a small town (I think?) in the 1950s (I think?).
Notes:
+ Looks amazing
– More confused now than I was when I saw the first trailer.
Comments: Though the trailer shows nothing and I have no idea what’s going on, the fact that this is being headed up by Spielberg and J.J. Abrams is enough for me. Part of me enjoys going into the theater blind as to what exactly what the movie is about because it makes it refreshing and new. It worked for Cloverfield, and I think it’ll work for this.
Verdict: Must find out what the hell this movie is about. FIRST DAY!
